Leaf blowers: Tools of Satan?

We’ve had an early and beautiful spring in this part of the country. Last week the azaleas and dogwoods were blooming. All Nature was robed in shades of pink, purple, and the tender yet bright green of new leaves. Only the nonirritating members of the class Insecta were out and about – butterflies flitted, honeybees buzzed, earthworms did whatever they do. The mockingbirds were showcasing all the new songs they had learned over the winter as they competed with the cardinals, bluebirds, juncos, towhees, and all the other songbirds that I can’t identify yet. Temperatures were warm, humidity was low, skies were blue. In short, we were as close to Paradise as we are ever going to get in this life.

We were inspired to clean off the back deck, the weather being so fine and all. Swept off the old leaves, cleaned the winter grunge off the furniture, brought out the houseplants that had been languishing indoors all winter. Things looked so nice that we decided to fire up the grill and eat dinner out on the deck. So we iced down some beer, opened a bottle of good wine, set the table, and prepared to enlarge our carbon footprint on the unsuspecting ecosystem. No sooner had the steaks come off the grill then: REEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- someone fired up a leaf blower. It wasn’t either of our next door neighbors. They are fine, upstanding, considerate, God-fearing members of society. I know this because we have lived next to them for over ten years and neither one has ever bought or used a leaf blower. No, this came from further down the block, though it might as well have been next door. Conversation became impossible. Aside from the shear volume of the thing, its wail had a piercing quality that penetrated deeply and painfully into the skull. After enduring this for a few minutes, we ended up taking our dinner inside.

Forty-five minutes later the aural assault ended. We were finished eating by then, but still had coffee and cigars and the remains of a rare evening when neither of us had to work. So, innocently as little lambs, we went back onto the deck to watch the stars come out and enjoy …….REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Of course that’s what happened. It sounded slightly further away than before. It may have been a completely different blower altogether. No matter. The point is that it gave this relaxing evening, this almost perfect day the soothing atmosphere of a dentist’s office during a root canal. And why? So somebody could blow all their leaves and grass clippings into the street instead of raking them up and taking personal responsibility for them.

But, I hear you say, this is America. People have a right to use leaf blowers if they so desire, it’s in the Constitution. Somewhere. It’s in the same amendment that guarantees that nothing bad or inconvenient will happen to you as an American citizen, ever, and if it does it’s the government’s duty to fix it, even if it’s your own damn fault. (liberal argument) Or, you could say that market forces will determine what we do and if it’s cheaper and more efficient to use leaf blowers, people will use them (conservative argument). Well, I look at what sex is usually handling the leaf blowers and I say you’re both wrong. The reasons are entirely Freudian. Take a good look – a long, stiff nozzle depending from the waist overpowering everything its owner points it at. I know a lot of Freud has been discredited, but he’d be right on with this one.

Well, market forces may come to the rescue on this one after all. Gasoline is now $2.75 a gallon around here at the cheap stations and all indications are that it will continue to go up. The demise of the leaf blower would be the one bright spot in an otherwise gloomy fuel scene.

Update- Apparently they also affect testosterone levels:

Neighbors feud over leaves; head-butting and a hammer get action

Posted Monday, November 24, 2003 - 10:54 am


By John Boyanoski
STAFF WRITER
jboyan@greenvillenews.com

Two Landrum neighbors got in a fight Sunday morning after allegedly blowing leaves on each other's lawns, according to an incident report.

A Greenville County sheriff's deputy called to the scene couldn't figure out who started the incident, so neither neighbor was charged, according to an incident report. The men's names were blacked out of the report.

One man said he saw his neighbor blowing leaves onto his property around 9:45 a.m., according to the report. He blew them back with his leaf blower.

They blew the leaves back and forth for a while before they started blowing air in each other's faces, according to the report. The first man then told the other not to blow leaves on his yard.

His neighbor allegedly responded by head-butting him three or four times, according to an incident report. The first man then went inside, but his neighbor allegedly yelled, "Come out and fight like a man."

The neighbor alleges the first man hit his leaf blower with a hammer, according to the report. He also stated the first man scratched his nose when he knocked his dust mask off.